I was finally able to talk with my mom over the weekend. It was nice to hear from her. She said that she is going to be having a nurse at the house 24/7 now. Good to know that she is getting the care that she needs, but obviously a sign that things are getting worse. I asked her if this was a hospice nurse or if this was a regular nurse. She didn't know, and unfortunately, I doubt I will be getting any of the information from her doctor.
I feel selfish in wanting my mom to just buck up and get better. Maybe I am in denial that things are actually wrong. I don't like talking to people about it, because I feel like I am just a broken record.... she's the same, yet worse. She's lost a lot of weight.... her memory is failing... she's sick, she won't eat... she is dying, what more do you want me to say???
I feel angry and want to smash things. I want to just break down and cry and give up. I know I am not alone in my feelings here, but I feel like it sometimes.
Trying to remain positive all the time is a bit stressful, but I am hopeful.
When my dad was sick I talked to so few people because in the end I felt like no one really REALLY wanted to hear it and alot of people probably don't because it reminds them of their own mortality. They also do not want to think about the possibility of their own parents getting sick or dying. And you are not selfish - you want things to be normal, who wouldn't hunny. Trying to remain positive is so hard and really taxes. Big hugs my friend...
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