I was finally able to talk with my mom over the weekend. It was nice to hear from her. She said that she is going to be having a nurse at the house 24/7 now. Good to know that she is getting the care that she needs, but obviously a sign that things are getting worse. I asked her if this was a hospice nurse or if this was a regular nurse. She didn't know, and unfortunately, I doubt I will be getting any of the information from her doctor.
I feel selfish in wanting my mom to just buck up and get better. Maybe I am in denial that things are actually wrong. I don't like talking to people about it, because I feel like I am just a broken record.... she's the same, yet worse. She's lost a lot of weight.... her memory is failing... she's sick, she won't eat... she is dying, what more do you want me to say???
I feel angry and want to smash things. I want to just break down and cry and give up. I know I am not alone in my feelings here, but I feel like it sometimes.
Trying to remain positive all the time is a bit stressful, but I am hopeful.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Dear Mom,
I've called you almost everyday, and haven't heard back. I know that you aren't hearing your phone, or you've been resting. I miss talking to you.
When I came out to get wood the other night, I came in to say hi. I know you probably won't remember that I was there, but I was. You looked just like Grandma laying there. I took a few moments of silence just staring at you. It was nice when I saw your eyes open and you smiled at me. It touched my heart and made me weep at the same time.
It's become harder to see you like this. Your frail body just laying there. I am keeping positive thoughts that you'll just bounce up and ask to go shake your tail feather, but I know that's not going to happen.
Do you remember when we were young and went dancing all those nights? I think of them often. I think of the parties we've had and the silly things we used to do. I miss us, if that makes sense. I love you mom, with all my heart. I'll talk to you soon...
Love,
~H.
When I came out to get wood the other night, I came in to say hi. I know you probably won't remember that I was there, but I was. You looked just like Grandma laying there. I took a few moments of silence just staring at you. It was nice when I saw your eyes open and you smiled at me. It touched my heart and made me weep at the same time.
It's become harder to see you like this. Your frail body just laying there. I am keeping positive thoughts that you'll just bounce up and ask to go shake your tail feather, but I know that's not going to happen.
Do you remember when we were young and went dancing all those nights? I think of them often. I think of the parties we've had and the silly things we used to do. I miss us, if that makes sense. I love you mom, with all my heart. I'll talk to you soon...
Love,
~H.
5 years ago
5 years ago today I moved back to Portland from Sacramento. My initial reasoning for moving back home was I found out that my mother had cancer. She spoke of this when she came down to visit me one weekend.
I remember feeling angry and betrayed that she lied to me upon moving to California. I asked her before I was leaving Oregon if she had cancer and she said no. So there it was, December 27th 2004, I packed my car and ventured to CA. Things kinda were bumpy the first couple weeks in CA. I called my mom everyday looking for support and guidance. I felt like a newbie in a big city, though all my family was around me. I missed my mom, my friends and everyone else back in Oregon. Finally, a few months after living there my mom came out for a weekend visit. It was much needed and felt good to have a piece of home with me. It was during that visit that my mom told me the truth. My heart shattered.
I came back to Oregon during Memorial Weekend for a visit. I saw all my best friends, my mom and it was that weekend I decided that I wanted to move back. I remember going to work and trying to figure out a way to tell my boss that I was quitting. When I met up with him, he handed me a note stating that my position had been eliminated due to budget cuts. I took that as a sign and made the final decision. I told my dad and family that I was moving back. I hurt them so much by that decision, and felt terrible, but knew that I wasn't happy where I was and needed to go back.
I woke early on July 1, 2005 and kissed my father goodbye and ventured back to Portland. I ran through the front door and threw my arms around my mom. I finally felt at home again.
I remember feeling angry and betrayed that she lied to me upon moving to California. I asked her before I was leaving Oregon if she had cancer and she said no. So there it was, December 27th 2004, I packed my car and ventured to CA. Things kinda were bumpy the first couple weeks in CA. I called my mom everyday looking for support and guidance. I felt like a newbie in a big city, though all my family was around me. I missed my mom, my friends and everyone else back in Oregon. Finally, a few months after living there my mom came out for a weekend visit. It was much needed and felt good to have a piece of home with me. It was during that visit that my mom told me the truth. My heart shattered.
I came back to Oregon during Memorial Weekend for a visit. I saw all my best friends, my mom and it was that weekend I decided that I wanted to move back. I remember going to work and trying to figure out a way to tell my boss that I was quitting. When I met up with him, he handed me a note stating that my position had been eliminated due to budget cuts. I took that as a sign and made the final decision. I told my dad and family that I was moving back. I hurt them so much by that decision, and felt terrible, but knew that I wasn't happy where I was and needed to go back.
I woke early on July 1, 2005 and kissed my father goodbye and ventured back to Portland. I ran through the front door and threw my arms around my mom. I finally felt at home again.
Dedication
Letters to nowhere is dedicated to my mom, Sally.
She has been my best friend, my worst enemy, my loving mother, the "mommy dearest", the caring one, the mean one, the one who would lay her life down for me and the one I could laugh with and cry with no matter the reason.
I love you mom so much. Thank you for giving me life and for being there for me when I needed you the most. You have given me great wisdom to continue growing and the foundation to build my life on. Your kindess and gratitude have touched my life and so many other lives around. I am so proud to be your daughter.
~Heidi
She has been my best friend, my worst enemy, my loving mother, the "mommy dearest", the caring one, the mean one, the one who would lay her life down for me and the one I could laugh with and cry with no matter the reason.
I love you mom so much. Thank you for giving me life and for being there for me when I needed you the most. You have given me great wisdom to continue growing and the foundation to build my life on. Your kindess and gratitude have touched my life and so many other lives around. I am so proud to be your daughter.
~Heidi
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